The original – with its holographic card!

Can it really be two years since I got my first Moff Tarkin action figure? If you remember, Dirk has always had a fascination with this figure; despite having false-memories of playing with the figure back in the late seventies it wasn’t actually made until the mid-nineties. Although he was one of the most interesting characters in the first film, they did not have the technology to recreate those perfect cheek bones until twenty years later.

I say it was my ‘first’ figure because I have been building up a mini-collection of the galaxy’s most morally-dubious bureaucrat in miniature ever since. My interest (and budget) has not stretched far enough to get the Grand Moff Tarkin Premium Format Statue from Sideshow Collectibles complete with its ‘impressive interrogator droid’ accessory.

Neither have I been able get hold of the rather cross looking lego figure.

He is a man that divided opinion across the galaxy, but say what you like about Moff Tarkin, Alderaan was unproductive, in terminal decline and known as the ‘sick planet’ of the Outer Rim until he stood firm against the rebel barons. Some people complain that he cured the patient by killing it, but they cannot fault his conviction, belief and determination. I like to call it ‘benevolent evil’.

Enough torturous satire, let’s look at the collection of plastic pleasure:

TOP MOFFAGE

Moff with a sample from Lego’s new ‘Dirk’ line

Lead Figure – This elegantly pointless item sits on my desk at work. Occasionally, I will look at it and think, “What would Tarkin do?” I bought it on holiday at a small shop in Tintagel, Cornwall, the birth place of King Arthur. It was a choice between this or a Martin Clunes, ‘Doc Martin’ Action Figure.

Galactic Heros figure – a charming, youthful Tarkin with huge, Brother Lee Love hands standing with his splayed legs akimbo. He looks more like Mad Men’s silver fox, John Slattery with a knowing smirk rather than Cushing’s callous glare. He’s a car dealer on a promise.

Mighty Mugg – a chunky version of Moff imagined as a geriatric doorman – “Sorry Jar Jar, your name isn’t on the list, you can’t come in.”

Vintage Collection – This is the latest version in the Kenner action figure range. His face appears to be recycled from unsold Saruman figures, it only having a passing resemblance to Cushing. It comes with its very own shoe-box droid that whizz around the Death Star causing a health and safety hazard more deadly than Lord Vader’s thumb and fore-finger.

TARKIN THE PISS! 

Fighter Pod – These come in ‘blind bags’ usually found at the tills in stationery shops where the impulse is too great to resist. They cost about £2.50 each, so it is possible to spend a fortune in the hope that eventually your luck will come good and this tiny, tiny, badly moulded effort will be found in your foil packet. There is no use trying to feel the bag either, otherwise you’ll end up with an army of Clone Troopers and no Moff. After spending £20 quid or more getting the figure that you want, it will will vanish down some domestic crevice, never to be seen again.